Campfire Classics Podcast

A Literary Comedy podcast where we try to read those books that look good on your shelf…and laugh a lot along the way!

Bad Dates

October 4th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Can we talk about clowns two episodes in row?
What's your first thought when you hear "collar"?
Does The Expendables need another sequel?

I don't know, but that sounds like the kind of stuff we talk about here, alright.  Pointless and meandering.

Craig Kellberg is back in the co-host seat for a second week in a row, and selected for Ken a story called "A Call" by Grace MacGowan Cooke. Possibly with the help of her sister.

And then your hosts ramble on about embarrassing dating situations.  So don't miss that!

"A Call" was published in the 1906.

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Bad Doctor

September 27th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

How do you feel about clowns?
Is it okay to practice your strokes in public?
Would you smoke another man's pipe?

These questions and more are discussed as your hosts try to read another one of those books that look good on your shelf.

If you have a shelf.

Or books.

This week, Craig Kellberg is back in the co-host seat, and Ken has given him a story called "A Fight with a Ghost" by and author credited as Q.E.D.  Who is this mysteriously named author?

You'll have to listen to find out!

"A Fight with a Ghost" was published in the 1904 collection 25 Ghost Stories compiled and edited by W. Bob Holland.

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And check out Toybox, America's Favorite Cartoon Witch!

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Angsty Bloviation

September 20th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

How old is too old to be a teenage dirtbag?

Like, that whole attitude stops being cool eventually, right?

That seems to be a major talking point in this weeks story by Russia's great tragedian or comedian depending on who you ask, Anton Long-middle-name-that-starts-with-a-P Chekhov.

Ken reads the story with such great detailed character work that even he forgets when he's reading and when he's just being an idiot.  And this week's co-host Jamie does her best to sneak some historical relevance in, but it's a losing battle.  But what do you expect from a story literally called "From the Diary of a Violent Tempered Man".  It may as well be titled "Boo Hoo, I'm Grumpy".

Along the way, your hosts discuss the invention of CPR, adolescent melancholy, and Getting stoned and playing Grand Theft Auto.

"From the Diary of a Violent Tempered Man" was first published in July, 1887.

Oh, and for the song The Guitar, mentioned in this episode go here!

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The Menace in the Rear

September 6th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Have you ever thought "Gosh, I miss being young"?

This episode will singlehandedly change your mind.

The good old days were neither good, nor old, nor days.  Actually that's not true.  They were definitely days, they were older than today, and some of them may have been good, but that's not the point.

The point is that this week, your hosts have a story for you by Stephen Crane called "The Pace of Youth", and good lord young people are stupid!  Not you of course. You are both young and very clever.  But all the other young people?  Yeah, dummies.

And what do Ken and Heather talk about while reading this story?
The death of Romeo and Juliet.
The death of Yahoo!
The death of X-Tube.
Huh...that's a lot of death for a cute story about young people...weird.

"The Pace of Youth" was first published in The Open Boat and Other Stories in 1898.

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Sexy Carl’s Jr.

August 30th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

So this one gets...sexy?  If we can call grease and custard sexy

Ken has a story for Heather to read this week from a man named Victor Bridges (look him up, he barely exists), who has become our new favorite author here at Campfire Classics.

This episode gets raunchy, hysterical, sexy, funny...it's basically podcasting burlesque.

The story is called "The Man with the Chin" (no spoilers in that title), and Heather does an admirable job reading it.  That's a joke you'll get once you've listened to the episode.

Along with the story, you'll get such inspiring conversation as:
How to become a millionaire.
Floating Renn Faires
And who thinks about penises more, men or women?

"The Man with the Chin" was first published in The Cruise of the "Scandal" and Other Stories in 1920.

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Look After Your Ass

August 23rd, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Look after your own ass.  Just good words to live by.

This week we're dipping into the tales of the Brothers Grimm!  Because somehow we seem to have missed them so far.

Ken selected this story and a returning guest host is reading it! Because no one, not even Ken, liked his solo episode from last week.  Don't worry, the people in charge of making that decision have been mercilessly ridiculed.

So!  The story this week is called "Little Table Set Thyself, Gold-Ass, and Cudgel Out of the Sack".  Hard to believe there are any words left or the rest of the story.

This weeks conversation topics include monkey syphilis, talking rose bushes, and the inevitable heat death of the universe.  Two of those are true, ten points to the first person to email us and tell us which one isn't. 

"Little Table Set Thyself, Gold-Ass, and Cudgel Out of the Sack" was first published in Gimms' Fairy Tales in 1812 under the German title "Tischlein deck dich, Goldesel und Knüppel aus dem Sack."

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Tales From the Tub

August 16th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Welcome to the first official installment of Tales From the Tub, where Ken and Heather can't record together, so Ken just reads you story!

A few weeks back, in the episode "Silly Old Bear" Ken read the first Winnie the Pooh story.  Today, he reads you the second.

We will soon return to your normal programming, but for now Campfire Classics hopes you enjoy this quiet little short story read with no sex jokes made about getting stuck in a hole.

Winnie-the-Pooh was first published in 1926.

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Throbbing Knob

August 9th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Go become a burglar.  I think that's the moral of this week's episode.

Or possibly it's that '90s pop culture references are weird.

I really don't know. Maybe this episode, like life, has no moral, and we are all merely wandering through a meaningless nihilistic wasteland that we call "reality" because we don't know what else to do.

Agh!  This is what happens when I'm forced to listen to Ken try to be clever and philosophical while Heather butchers French words.  I get maudlin...

Anyway.

This week, Ken has selected another Arsène Lupin story for Heather to read.  This story is called "The Black Pearl".  Since Ken decided he didn't want to do fun facts this week, for info on the author you can check out season 2, episode 6 "The Drag Queen Chaperone".

During the episode, our hosts tackle hard hitting social issues like the importance of Mark-Paul Gosselar, pineapple pizza, and which way to load toilet paper. Oooo...edgy stuff.

"The Black Pearl” was first published in Je Sais Tout, No. 18, 15 July 1906, as "The Extraordinary Life of Arsene Lupin: The Black Pearl"

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Demon BJ

August 2nd, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

This week is just unsettling, beginning to end.  Even the light hearted banter is a little weird.  But that is fitting, because our author this week is Weird Horror master H.P. Lovecraft.

Because we've covered Lovecraft before, so you can hear fun facts about him by listening to Season 1, Episode 11 "Don't Go in the Moist Hole" or in Season 2's "Coming for Boston".

Instead, Heather has covered a haunted acoustic guitar, and a disturbingly skeletal electric guitar from haunted eBay.

Then Ken reads this week's haunted ditty, and along the way our hosts discuss:
What does "tittynope" mean?
Who throws the best orgies?
And seriously, why would you do that?

"The Music of Erich Zann” was first published in National Amateur in March 1922.

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Victoria’s White Mound

July 26th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

If you've ever found yourself think "This episode of Campfire Classics is too linear and the story they're reading makes a lot more sense than I want it to," then this is the episode for you.  Good lord, your hosts are pulling out all the stops, hopping from non-sequitur to non-sequitur, and reading a story that feels almost like it was written by someone challenged to avoid any semblance of plot.

Now you're intrigued, aren't you?

Ken has chosen a short story by Virginia Woolf (the extra "o" proves you're supposed to howl her name) for Heather to read.  It's called "Mrs. Dalloway in Bond Street". And while Heather does a fabulous job of reading, the story is just...confusing.

During moments of lucidity, your hosts ask:
What's the worst thing you ever consumed at a party?
Is it better to have no guests or shitty guests?
And what the crap is going on in this story!?!?

"Ms. Dalloway in Bond Street” was published by The Dial in 1923.

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Sir Johnny Bangs 3: Chalk My Cue

July 19th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

YES!  The knight errant and lord protector of the realm, Sir Johnny Bangs has returned again, to keep us safe from boredom and bad puns.  And he succeeds on one of those two fronts.

Long time fans will be delighted to learn that Heather has chosen a story by John Kendrick Bangs for Ken to read this week.  But our long time fans have proven that they are easily entertained, so maybe that's not saying much!

After a quick series recap on how our hosts are incapable of following a through line without severe tangential nonsense.  But that seems to be part of their charm!  Either that or we all have some sort of auditory Stockholm Syndrome.

Ken reads the story with his usual array of voices ranging from grizzled to old to old and grizzled.  Along the way your hosts discuss how many balls are too many, the invention of the contact lens, and your favorite joke.

"The Speck on the Lens” was published in the collection The Water Ghost & Others in 1894.

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Oh! Pooh!

July 12th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Come down!  Come down!  And let’s see who you be!

If that didn’t make sense to you, you haven’t listened to this week’s episode yet.  And why the heck not!?!?  Huh?  What’s keeping you?

It is a pretty good one.  Ken has chosen a story for Heather by author Harriet Beecher Stowe of Uncle Tom fame.  But like, it’s funny, and spooky, and there’s a lot of stuff about poo and penises.  So, you know…a Campfire Classics episode.

Heather gives a masterful read despite the story being largely written in dialect (something regular listeners will know our hosts fear more than death by a thousand mosquitoes), and along the way you’ll be treated to some classic ‘90s movie references from Heather, Ken fundamentally misunderstanding what is happening in the story, and a surprisingly long conversation about the virtues of a wooden prosthetic foreskin.

"The Ghost in the Mill” was published in the collection Oldtown Fireside Stories in 1872.

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A Spoonful of Sugar

July 5th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

This one gets weird right off the bat, with Heather deciding that being literary and funny isn't enough, this show also needs to be a paranormal political travelogue. It's a pretty wild opening that includes advice on finding some really horrifying stuff on the internet.  Ken does not approve.

Once we get to the story, chosen by Heather this week, we're back in familiar if unsettling territory as Ken reads a ghost story from M.R. James entitled "The Haunted Dolls House."

It's exactly the kind of beautifully written creep fest we've come to expect from Mr. James.  As the episode progresses Heather tries to sell you things I promise you don't want, Ken basically just whines about being uncomfortable a lot, and one of your hosts misses a really obvious "Elizabethan erection" joke.

"The Haunted Dolls House" was published in Empire Review in 1923. It was republished 2 years later in the anthology A Warning to the Curious and Other Ghost Stories.

Some of the haunted objects Heather talks about can be found here.

Info on M.R James can be found by listening to Episode 6 of this podcast!

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A Plethora of Butts

June 28th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

It's the closest thing to a live episode we've done yet! Recorded at an actual campsite in front of a real live tent! Oh, the excitement!  The drama! The...butt jokes?  Okay, so it's the same old show.

Ken has chosen a story for Heather to read by author Stuart Strauss (probably a fake name) called "The Shadow on the Moor".  That part is probably real.

As the stories are read, your hosts ask:
How do they spell cigarette in 2937?
Do you remember the game Crossfire?
Can a butt be an inny?

"The Shadow on the Moor" was published in 1928 in Weird Tales. Extensive research has discovered no evidence of an active copyright.

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Frozen Flagpole

June 21st, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

A perfect example of why we can't have nice things, this episode was recorded late at night, and good lord, our hosts are punchy.

So, what does that mean for us?  Well, really business as usual, I suppose.  Heather and Ken chatter on like morons for like ten minutes, and then Heather introduces the story she has pick for Ken to try to read this week.  Written by Vincent James O'Sullivan, it is called "The Interval."  and that's all the hints you get!

Ken reads valiantly, and along the way your hosts question:
What is the dirtiest sounding clean phrase?
Is Heather a chicken-shit or smart?
What kind of idiot is Ken?

"The Interval" and it was published back in 1917 in The Boston Even Transcript.

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Chode Rocket

June 14th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Have you ever wondered what a Garth Brooks Science Fiction song would sound like?

No?  That's okay, neither had I.  Then I heard this episode, and oh my...

This week, Ken has a story for Heather that was written by a railroad watchman who never went to school. And if that doesn't get you excited, you're probably a clever person.

H. Beam Piper wrote "The Answer" and it was published back in 1958.  Once again, lazy copyright lawyers make it available to us already!  Though we're not so sure that song about raccoons is in the public domain yet, so... ssshhhhh.

As the story progresses your hosts discuss 1920s frat boys, 50 foot shafts, and putting long things in your mouth.

"The Answer" was published in 1958.  Extensive research has found no evidence of active copyright.

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Revenge of Pirate Jesus

June 7th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

In a world where EVERYONE has a podcast, you must ask yourself...why aren't we a union yet!?

Did you read that in you best Don LaFontaine voice?  I hope so.  Anyway, about the episode.

Heather has chosen a story for Ken to read.  It's a Western by the guy who wrote Destry Rides Again.  The story is "Wine on the Desert" by Frederick Schiller Faust, AKA Max Brand, AKA Evan Evans, AKA George Owen Baxter, AKA George Evans, AKA Peter Dawson, AKA David Manning, AKA John Frederick, AKA Peter Morland, AKA George Challis, AKA Peter Ward, AKA Frederick Frost...I'm tired now, what was I saying?

Ken reads, and along the way your hosts discuss their favorite listeners, dead wood dick, and sweet sweet revenge cherries.

"Wine on the Desert" was published in 1941 under the pen name Evan Evans.

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A Gay Party

May 31st, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Happy 100 episodes!

That's right!  Our silly little podcast has made it to 100.  That's wild!

To celebrate Heather returns to the microphone, and Ken decides to badmouth a bunch of beloved TV shows that were cancelled way before their time.  Because this is a classy show...or something.

Ken has selected the story for Heather to read, and surprising no one, it's an Agatha Christie story.  And you know what that means!  That's right. Heather has to try to do her Hercule Poirot voice.  And it goes about as well as it always does.

So, we listen to "The Plymouth Express Affair" while Ken and Heather drink bubbly wine, discuss the family jewels, and tell Trekkies to suck it. Because picking on nerds is cool?

It's okay. We can make those jokes. We're nerds, too.

"The Plymouth Express Affair" was published in the January 1924 issue of The Blue Book Magazine.

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The Worst Musical Ever

May 17th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

And welcome back Craig to Episode 99!  We're almost at a landmark!

How do we celebrate?  By reading a story that we don't really understand and planning the worst musical ever constructed!

Obviously.

Ken has selected the story (if that's what we're calling it) from a new author named Andrew Halliday.  His story "The Engine-Driver" is about...an engine driver, I guess.  I'm actually not sure.  I just finished editing the episode and I don't think your hosts even know what it was.

Anyway, along Ken and Craig make some truly outlandish theatrical plans, speculate wildly over the motivations of (probably) innocent man, and once again taking up valuable podcasting time making fun of a Tom Cruise movie.

"The Engine-Driver" was published in the 1866 book Mugby Junction.

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An Announcement

May 10th, 2022

A Douche And A Coward

May 10th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

There's a new host in town this week. Campfire Classics recurring character Ken's Mom (known to most of the world as Jamie Sandberg) has finally shown up in the flesh for a Mothers Day Weekend recording session.  That means this is going to be a nice clean wholesome episode, right?

Right?

Aw, that's cute.

Ken clearly is a little tentative about the usual brand of humor in front of his own mother, but she pushes the issue and...well...you'll just have to listen.

Jamie has a story for Ken to read.  It's by a new author to the podcast named M.E. Braddon, and you're going to want to listen to these fun facts because her life was a ride. Ken does a reasonably good job, but he just abandons the German accent that was laid in front of him.  Come on, Ken.  Do better.

During the episode, Ken and Jamie discuss accidental bigamy, cousin marriage, and infrequent ejaculation.  So we're clear, this is Ken...AND HIS MOTHER. Someone is making some life choices.

"The Cold Embrace" was published in 1860.

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Malign Pursuit

May 3rd, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

This week's co-host is Ken's brother, Craig!  The boys had fun last time he came on, but this week Craig starts the episode off with a shocking revelation!

Once they sort that out, Ken introduces this week's author and story, and Craig jumps into a valiant reading of C.M. Eddy, Jr's "The Ghost-Eater".

Along the way, the boys discuss a new music genre, Craig struggles to pronounce words (this is why you warm up), and Ken fails to remember the name of the guy who wrote Conan the Barbarian.  It's Robert E. Howard, Ken, you've read him on this show.  Get your crap together, dude.

If you listened last week, a "cash clo man" was a man who would stand in the street ringing loud cowbells and offering to buy people's junk, especially old clothes.  They were outlawed across most of the planet by the late 1930s for being loud and annoying.

"The Ghost-Eater" was published in Weird Tales in 1924.

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Phallic Billy Club

April 26th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Hey, who's that on the podcast?  Heather!  She's back for this one as she gets closer and closer to getting off the ship!

Ken has a story for her to read by a new author, Richard Le Gallienne, called "The Haunted Orchard". It is, unsurprisingly, a little haunting story about a ghost.  In an orchard.  But despite being a little on the nose, it's beautiful story with some incredible imagery.

Ken and Heather catch us up on Heather's recent adventures, then they get into the story discuss some bizarre side topics like Shakespeare's little Willy, furniture made by exotic dancers, and mormons at a beach bar.

Oh, and they don't have internet access, so you're going to have to look up words yourself.

"The Haunted Orchard" was published in Harper's Magazine, January, 1912.

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Green Boobies

April 12th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Alright, we're swinging hard back into the realm of SciFi this week with a short story from one of the biggest names in the genre, Philip K. Dick.  He gave us Blade Runner, Total Recall, and Minority Report, and this week he's giving us "The Gun".

This is one of those stories that is mostly so engaging that your hosts forget to be funny, but don't worry, they still find time to discuss their end of the world time capsule items, talk in ridiculous voices, and speculate on praying mantis breasts.

"The Gun" was published in 1952. Thorough research has been unable to uncover a current copyright. 

Please, email us at 5050artsproduction@gmail.com and request to hear Emily's anime Fan Fiction read on an upcoming episode.

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Now sit back, light a fire (or even a candle), grab a drink, and enjoy.

Alas, Wife…

April 5th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Ready for a story with a moral?  Nah, me neither.  How about this vague fairy tale by Scotsman Andrew Lang.  Ken has selected the story "The Fisherman and his Wife" from The Green Fairy Book.

Your hosts also play a new game that you can play along with at home!  Write in and let us know how you stack up.

Along the way, Ken and Emily discuss decorative metals, crown fashion, and filthy song lyrics!

"The Fisherman and his wife" was published in 1892.

Please, email us at 5050artsproduction@gmail.com and request to hear Emily's anime Fan Fiction read on an upcoming episode.

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Now sit back, light a fire (or even a candle), grab a drink, and enjoy.

Chekhov’s Slap

March 29th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Here's a bit of tonal whiplash from last week.  Good lord, you really never know what you're going to get with this show, do you!?

So, Ken is reading a children's story this week called "The Book of Beasts"!  Written by Edith Nesbit, it is an early children's adventure story about a boy king and a dragon. Also, pay attention to this week's fun facts, because Nesbit's personal life was bananas!

Ken puts in a respectable effort at reading the story, but plenty of ridiculousness is still covered ranging from the slap heard round the world, our upcoming mile marker, and laughter is the root of all evil.

"The Book of Beasts" was published in the book The Book of Dragons in 1901.

Please, email us at 5050artsproduction@gmail.com and request to hear Emily's anime Fan Fiction read on an upcoming episode.

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Now sit back, light a fire (or even a candle), grab a drink, and enjoy.

A Solemn Doody

March 22nd, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Oh no.  They are punchy this week.  The first twenty minutes is nothing but foolishness with no serious material covered.  It was almost like someone told our hosts that this podcast was supposed to be FUNNY.  But we all know that here at Campfire Classics we won't stand for frivolity in our literature.

Eventually, Ken and Emily buckle down to the solemn business of reading the great work selected for this week's episode, "The Shadows on the Wall" by Mary E. Wilkins Freeman.

Irksomely filled with utter nonsense, our conversation topics include the Big Bang, English funerary rites, and too much poo.

Please, email us at 5050artsproduction@gmail.com and request to hear Emily's anime Fan Fiction read on an upcoming episode.

"The Shadows on the Wall" was published in the book The Wind in the Rose-Bush, and Other Stories of the Supernatural in 1903.

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Tracks in this week's episode:
"Dark Memories of the Past Still Linger"  from CO.AG Music
"Are You in Here With Us" from CO.AG Music
"A Dark but Peaceful Place" from Gabriel Richards

Now sit back, light a fire (or even a candle), grab a drink, and enjoy.

Haunted as F-

March 15th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

We're back with another ghost story, this one from Rudyard Kipling of The Jungle Book fame. It's a weird one given that the scariest thing that happens is a game of billiards, but manages to be spooky despite Ken's Reading of it.  Emily does give some fascinating Fun Facts about our author though, complete with a fake news death hoax.

This week, discussion topics include surprise manual labor, mustache grooming tips, and...do all old white people know each other?

Please, email us at 5050artsproduction@gmail.com and request to hear Emily's anime Fan Fiction read on an upcoming episode.

"My Own True Ghost Story" was first published in 1888.

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What to Expect When You’re Expecting Death

March 8th, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

Okay, so, spoilers, but apparently the author doesn't care so why should we: this week's story is called "A True Relation of the Apparition of one Mrs. Veal, the next Day after her Death: to one Mrs. Bargrave at Canterbury. The 8th of September, 1705."  No, really, that is the title of the story, not the story in its entirety.  Written by Daniel Defoe of Robinson Crusoe and more commonly known by its shorter title "The Apparition of Mrs. Veal," this story is sometimes credited as the first modern ghost story.

You'll have to let us know if you agree.  Emily does a great read, and along the way your hosts discuss high school musicals, the Bechdel Test, and Emily's anime Fan Fiction.

Please, email us at 5050artsproduction@gmail.com and request to hear Emily's anime Fan Fiction read on an upcoming episode.

"The Apparition of Mrs. Veal" was first published in 1705.

Remember to tell five friends to check out Campfire Classics.

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Now sit back, light a fire (or even a candle), grab a drink, and enjoy.

Mummy Titties

March 1st, 2022

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!

"Little Mummies" was the alternative title to this episode, but you know...shock value.  Throw some saucy language in the title and you get more listens. 

Anyway!  Welcome!  This week, Emily has dug up and old mummy's curse story for Ken to read.  It was written by Louisa May Alcott, and...wait...that can't be right.  I'm going to double check that.  Yes, that is correct.  Louisa May Alcott, the woman who brought us Little Women, is responsible for this disturbing tale about a curse coming from an Egyptian mummy.  Okay...

Ken does his best to read the story, and along the way your hosts:
Discuss baby snow angels.
Impersonate Britney Spears.
Contemplate erotic flowers.

"Lost in a Pyramid; or, The Mummy's Curse" was first published in 1869

Remember to tell five friends to check out Campfire Classics.

The song "A Dark but Peaceful Place" is by Gabriel Richards and is used thanks to Creative Commons.

Like, subscribe, leave a review.

Now sit back, light a fire (or even a candle), grab a drink, and enjoy.

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