Campfire Classics Podcast

Fate's Climax

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
Clown corner has taken a turn for the creepy, technical difficulties have led a strange release day, and Heather is reading two weeks in a row.  What is happening to this podcast!?!?
Actually, I can't lie, this is a good one. I mean, you know I think this show is ridiculous and pointless, but this episode? Yeah, it was a good one.
It's a story by a woman named Sonia Greene. Heather does a great job reading it, except for when she forgets how to read. 
Talking points include the failure of technology, Etsy curses, and plagiarism.
"The Invisible Monster" was published in 1923. 5 years before Call of Cthulu. Just sayin'...
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Drunk and Naked

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
It's like welcoming back and old friend who you've missed and as soon as they are back you remember that you actually hate them. That's right, it's the return of Clown Corner.
I'm sorry.
Once you get through that nonsense the episode get so much...longer. But, at least Ken has picked an interesting author. Dorothy Parker led a fascinating life which Ken summarizes far too quickly and wrote a great story calle "Little Curtis" full of words that Heather can barely pronounce. But you should listen anyway.
During the episode you'll get discussion of lame last names, terrible last names, and Welsh last names...wow, there's a lot of nomenclature humor this week... 
"Little Curtis" was published in 1927.
Willie the Wolf stuff can be found at https://clarencesimonsen745590793.wordpress.com/2022/01/13/willie-the-wolf-draft-pdf-version/
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Thick Thighs Get You High

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
You know what, I'm not even going to complain about this episode. Your hosts do their job, the story is fun, so screw it. Just enjoy this one!
Heather's got a story for Ken to read from a new author named Jean Ingelow called "The Prince's Dream." It's a charming little parable. Really. 
As usual, side topics abound including how to fix time, the original source material for the Die Hard movies, and Alfred, Lord Tennyson is a prancing pop kid.
"The Prince's Dream" was published in 1863.
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A Visit From The Crimson Clown

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
Well, you asked for it...literally...and now you're gonna get it.
Heather's back, and she's reading, and it's chaos, and somehow Ken has decided he's just going to say intentionally stupid things...
I don't know what's going on anymore, but I don't think I like it.
Whatever.
Ken has selected a story for Heather to read. It's called "Thubway Tham's Inthane Moment." Yes, it was spelled that way on purpose. It was written by Johnston McCulley of Zorro fame, and it's just weird.
Also, your hosts discuss the death of brunch, how many bad morals one story can have, and whether or not a crime is a crime if the victim is a dick.
"Thubway Tham's Inthane Moment" was published in 1918 in Detective Story Magazine.
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A Reason for Anonymity

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
Bahahahaha!
No, sorry, that laughter was not for how funny the episode was. I'm laughing at Ken for how sad and lonely he sounds. Teehee.  What a sucker...
Anyway, this week, Ken reads a story by a mysterious author, asks us no questions, demands no talking points and basically just gives us an excellent audiobook read of a very odd story. It's like he took it seriously or something! Come on Ken, that's not why we listen, and you know it
The story "The Minor Canon" was published in 1909 in The Lock and Key Library: Classic Mystery and Detective Stories.
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Hold My Vernal Juice

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
We're back!
Sorry, that sounded kind of like a threat, didn't it?  No, just, like, "Hello! We're here! It's story time!"
Ken has selected a story by an author new to the show. Born Alice Mary Norton, she legally changed her name to her primary pseudonym, Andre Norton. The Story is called "All Cats Are Gray," and it is a delightful little adventure without heavy topics or political themes.  Which mean Ken and Heather feel free to just riff and joke around without fear of offending anyone.  So, you know...things get weird.
Heather reads well, but is interrupted by questions like:Is this our swiciest episode ever? No, that's not a typo.Does "it" feel like warm Cup of Noodles? Yes, that "it".What is that smell? The answer isn't not "corrupt taint."
"All Cats Are Gray" was published in Fantastic Universe Science Fiction, August–September 1953. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.
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Alien Landlord

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I'm going to get straight to the point, something your hosts seem completely incapable of doing this week.
This story is actually fairly divisive. Like, Ken and Heather don't agree what the message was. So, listen to the end and let us know who you agree with!
That out of the way, the story is by an author who may or may not be a hammerhead shark named Lucas Malet. Spoilers, it's a fake name.
The story is called "The Birth of a Masterpiece," and it is psychologically complex (the only time anyone will say that about this show).
While Ken reads with admirable effort, your hosts discuss getting tanked on wine coolers, mid '90s garage drugs, and literary pornography.
"The Birth of a Masterpiece" was first published in 1922 in The Story-Teller.
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Just Don't

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I'm not even gonna pretend this one isn't cool. It starts with a bizarre little song from Heather and really just keeps going from there!
Okay, so, Ken has chosen a story for Heather to read by H.G. Wells, which is always a good time. It's called "The Stolen Body," and yes, it is every bit as ominous as it sounds.
Along the way, your hosts talk personal ghost stories, who lasted longer as a barista, and the anatomical endowment of Greek Gods.
Oh! And stick around for the end of the episode where Ken challenges you to take part in an experiment.
"The Stolen Body" was first published in 1898.
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Anatomy of a F- Boi

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
Cue music.
And... SING!
I wanna know what love is!I want you to show me!I wanna feel what love is!I know you can show me!
And... CUT!
Oh, hello, you're here for the podcast? Right, come on in. You're in the right place.
What are we doing?
Oh, yes!
This week, Heather found a story for Ken by an author that neither of them knew before and they really should be ashamed of themselves for it. The author is Frances Ellen Watkins Harper, and I gotta say, she impressed me. But if I say anymore it'll be spoilers for the Fun Facts, and know one wants that.
The story is "The Two Offers," and, well, strap in kiddos.
Ken reads, it's fine. His voice is weird. Whatever.
Your hosts coin the term "podstalker," discuss a variety of mammalian STDs, and whine about how hard it is to be pretty and popular.
"The Two Offers" was first published in 1859 in The Anglo-African Newspaper.
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Hellfire Classics: A Rebranding

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
Remind me, was this one a solar eclipse, a lunar eclipse, or an apocalypse. I always get those confused.
It probably doesn't matter. Though that earthquake was suspicious...
A podcast!!!
This week, Ken has picked out a story for Heather. Who wants to try to guess how many words she pronounces wrong this week? Here's a hint: you're wrong.
The story is called "Jerry Bundler," and am I the only one who kept hear "Jerry Bung Hole"?
Anyway, written by W.W. Jacobs of "The Monkey Paw" fame (check out episode 44 of Campfire Classics for more on him), it's a pretty good story and fortunately there are no French characters, so our readers accent work is pretty good!
Episode highlights (or lowshadows depending on how good your taste is) include Ken telling a long story from his days as a waiter, your hosts discovering a new frightening aphrodisiac, and Heather being reminded of Ginger Dick.
"Jerry Bundler" was first published in The Windsor Magazine in December 1897.
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Yappy Dog City

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
How was your week?
Mmmhmm..., that's interesting.
Yes, mine was fine, but now we're back to work!
This week, Heather has selected a story for Ken to read by Ambrose Bierce, who has made two previous appearances on the podcast both to rave reviews from people who give reviews to such things. Probaby.
The story is called "The Middle Toe of the Right Foot," which does seem a strange and niche title, I agree.
The story is quite engaging and Ken reads it with his usual array of consonants and vowels.
During the episode, Ken makes an unacknowledged Highlander reference, your hosts discuss an unexpected erogenous zone, and we answer the age old question “are introverts just secret Warlocks?”
"The Middle Toe of the Right Foot" was first published in The San Francisco Examiner on April 17, 1890.
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Doctor Recommended Death

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Aaahhhh...
All is right with the world again. Ken and Heather are back to doing what they do best. Butchering great works of literature for your passing amusement.
This week Ken has a story for Heather called "The Compleat Criminal." Yes, it's really spelled that way. Yes, I think it's dumb, too.
But it was written by Edgar Wallace, who apparently wasn't a total moron, which is really saying something for a white man at the turn of the century, so...yay!
In addition to some surprised babbling up front we are treated to the usual brand of linguistic nonsense.What is the right side of 40?Who has Hollywood’s best eyebrows?How many ways can Heather mispronounce the phrase “county constabulary”?
"The Compleat Criminal" was published in 1928 in Wallace's collection entitled The Thief in the Nightand Other Stories.
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Is There a Santa Claus

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The regular hiatus continues, so this special just gives you a taste. An edu-taining appetizer to hold you until the next episode.
"Is There a Santa Claus" was first publish in 1897 in the New York paper The Sun.
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A Different Kind of Santa

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Ken is back this week with a fantasy epic form Mr. Baum!!
This Oz flavored Holiday Happening should fill you with cheer, and repentance, and envy...wait, that doesn't sound right, does it?
"A Kidnapped Santa Claus" was first publish in 1904 and has been called "one of Baum's most beautiful stories."
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A Sack of Dried Peas

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
Ken is back this week, working all by his onesome, and bringing you some classic sci-fi from Ray Bradbury.
Your host reads, and I don't have the patience to go into it more than that, so just listen to it! It's a good story!
"A Little Journey" was published in the August 1951 edition of Galaxy Science Fiction. Extensive research has uncovered no copyright.
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Count The Entendres

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
This week is more literary than usual.
More in the sense of Ken reads a longer than usual story.
He's flying solo again this week (lord help us) so he's decided, in his infinite "wisdom", to read us an extra long story.
In fairness, it's a pretty good one.
Coming to you directly...no, that's actually not true. Coming to you INdirectly from Dame Agatha Christie!
The Kidnapped Prime Minister!
"The Kidnapped Prime Minister" was published in Poirot Investigates in 1924.
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Devil Pee

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Happy Thanksgiving!
The Christmas Creep begins next week, but for now we celebrate the birth of pie and mashed potatoes, or something like that.
Whatever.
Ken is going it alone this week, and he's got a holiday story ready for you from the always (sometimes) hilarious O. Henry!
The story is "Two Thanksgiving Day Gentlemen" and Ken reads it...well, yeah, he reads it.
You'll also learn another reason to think Thomas Jefferson was a dick, the story of the real first American Thanksgiving, and, hey, did you catch the episode title? DEVIL PEE!
"Two Thanksgiving Day Gentlemen" was published in the short story collection The Trimmed Lamp and Other Stories of the Four Million, in 1907.
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Hacken-Sack

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Whoa!  What happened! I had two whole weeks of feeling like life made sense, and now...
Oh, the show's back, that's what...
Ah well. This week your hosts cover a new author with...cute hairy buns...? That can't be right.
No! His name is Henry Cuyler Bunner. Heather has selected his story "The Nice People" for Ken to read. And I tell you what, he really does read some words.
During the story, Ken and Heather chat about antiquated bit jokes, ruminate on pigeon genocide, and balk at the serious shade thrown at Mothers-in-Law by Hank Bunner.
"The Nice People" is from Bunner's Short Sixes and also appeared in his periodical Puck in the July 30, 1890 issue.
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Antimatopoeia

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
Our hosts are going old school this week.
A REAL campfire.
A familiar author.
A creepy story.
And NO editing.
That's right folks. This week is raw and unedited.
Ken gives Heather "The Tell-Tale Heart" by E. A. Poe.
While she reads, your hosts discuss signs that you might be a serial killer, things they like uncut, and invent a new word!
"The Tell-Tale Heart" was published in 1843.
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Euphemistic Heel Turn

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
How much could you learn about a person based on their most quoted movie or song?
What if that person were secretly a vampire?
These and many other questions have nothing to do with this week's story!
The story Heather picked for Ken this week is by a vampire... I mean author... who called herself May Sinclair... if that was her real name... which it wasn't...
The story is called "The Token" and Ken reads it well, but somehow Heather still ends up doing some dodgy accent work.
Other questions:How would you use that paperweight?How do you start a difficult conversation?Seriously, are you a vampire!?
"The Token" was published in the book Uncanny Stories in 1923.
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Ho Ho Ho Bitches

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
It's 1993!
And Scotch season.
And that's as much intro as you need.
Ken has selected a story this week by Arthur C. Clarke. The story is called The Pacifist, and that title is surprisingly spoiler free!
Heather reads well, which is, let's face it, kind of a prerequisite for being part of this podcast.  Though there is some confusion as to the difference between geology and genealogy.
Along the way, Heather overcomplicates the first name in the story, misses a few INTRICACIES, and probably doesn’t offend the French, though Ken might…
"The Pacifist" was published in 1956 in Fantastic Universe.
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Oktoberfest

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
It's October! Time for a Fest of some kind.
With food maybe? And something to drink?
Some kind of...October...Fest...
Nah. That's silly.
Heather has selected this week's story, and it comes to us from E.F. Benson, author of "The Room in the Tower", from Campfire Classics episode number 24 Dreams, Feasts, and Fire Island. Ken gives it a go, despite some unreasonably long sentences.
Discussion topics this week include the international awesomeness of coffee, what we do in the back, and a misidentified president.
"The Terror by Night" was published in 1912 in The Room in the Tower, and Other Stories.
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O Calumny

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
What do you think of when you think of Italy?
For many the answer is the Mario Brothers! Probably.
Anyway, I'm gonna say it is so that I can segue into this weeks author Luigi (like the video game plumber) Capuana!
Ken selected the story, which means you are going to be treated to Heather's dulcet voice as she reads a story that contains disappointinglu few foreign words.
Along the way Heather does struggle with one particular word, Ken chooses not to commit copyright infringement despite announcing that he's going to, and...so...many...voices!
"The Deposition" was published in English The Library of the World's Best Mystery and Detective Stories in 1907.
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Sucked Down a Hole

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
Back to the regular schedule!
Heather has selected a story by an author we've somehow avoided for YEARS: Isaac Asimov. So let's dive into some foundational science fiction.
Ken reads with...we'll call it...enthusiasm. And it's a wild story.
Conversation topics include Quigsand [sic], featureless metal bulges, and stank skanks.
"The Last Question" was published in the science fiction pulp magazine Science Fiction Quarterly in 1956.
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Some Outside Time

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Have you ever felt like you just need to get outside and soak up some sun?
That's basically what this week's story is about.
"The Outsider" was written by H.P. Lovecraft and published in 1926.
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A Sequel?

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This week we're having a psychotic break! Please try not to laugh as Ken changes his pronunciation of the title character's name every time he says it.
"The Wise Princess" was written by Mary de Morgan and published in the book The Necklace of Princess Fiormonde in 1886.
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How do you spell that?

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
This week we're having a psychotic break! Please try not to laugh as Ken changes his pronunciation of the title character's name every time he says it.
"Nyarlathotep" was written by H.P. Lovecraft and published in 1920.
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Shuttlecockus Interruptus

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
We've got a new lady writing for us this week. I mean, she didn't write just for us, and she's been dead for a hundred and fifteen years...but you get the point.
Mary de Morgan, who had interesting relationships with both Rudyard Kipling and George Bernard Shaw (you'll have to listen for more details) wrote this week's story, and Heather gives it a great read!
While she reads, your hosts engage in a rapid fire exchange of witticisms.
"Rapid fire" seems generous. It's definitely witty at a comfortable marathon pace. But they do talk about some weird nonsense.
Raise your hand if you're surprised.
No one?
Okay.
Topics of conversation include the questionable origins of Scrabble, a prequel to The Wizard of Oz, and George Bernard Shaw's stupid chin.
"The Three Clever Kings" was published in 1880.
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Literary Money Shot

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
This episode might be as far from last week's as it is possible to be. The story is not WTF-ish at all!
Well, that's not quite true.
Actually it is very WTF-ish, just in a completely different way! Like, it's not confusing.
No, that's wrong too.  It is confusing, but like it's supposed to be.
Never mind, I'm starting over.
Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
This week Heather has chosen a story for Ken to read by Bengali writer, poet, painter, composer, philosopher, and...baseball player...probably...not...
The point is he was super multi-talented. His name was Rabindranath Tagore. No cheating, how did you just pronounce that in your head?
During the episode your hosts discuss owl-parrots, 1970s porn, and the rationale of vindictive ghosts.
"In the Middle of the Night" was published in 1894.
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My Safeword: Goat’s Milk

Welcome to Campfire Classics, a Literary Comedy Podcast!!
Warning:
This episode was very nearly titled "WTF".
Yeah, it's that kind of episode.
But here's the wild bit. It's because of the story!!!
Ken has selected a bizarre f-ing story called "Dragon-Child and Sun-Child" by a guy called A.G. Seklemian and it is just an absolutely unhinged little tale about......yeah, actually I don't know what it's about.  I just finished listening and I'm pretty sure the whole thing is a demented fever dream. 
To give you context, your hosts discuss a nation of genius genies, how babies get here, and the life saving properties of the McFlurry, and yet this story is still the weirdest part of the episode.
"Dragon-Child and Sun-Child" was published in 1898.
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